Sea of Solitude
by Tala1
Summary: Collection of Suikoden IV oneshots. First up, a Sigurd centered fic, focusing on his thoughts in the confession booth. A completely different version of how he 'atones' and hopes for forgiveness.


A/N: Another one shot. Its not meant to be long. Its just an alternative of what Sigurd may confess in the confession room-and what a certain person happens to hear while passing by.

Note: I really didn't get what Sigurd did wrong so I'm sure this probably sounds off. I mean I went to the confession booth and guessed what half the characters were, but I didn't read Sigurds very well, nor wrote it down. Forgive me if it's off. I tried at the very least (I find it hard to do Suiko 4 oneshots) And hopefully its….XP somewhat in character XD flames are welcome! I would appreciate if people pointed out Sigurds background story ...but all the same i hope you enjoy it! (It was completed like...when i first got keen and that was months ago. The fics just been sitting and waiting lol)

Disclaimer: I don't own Suikoden 4

Genre: General

Rating: PG

Pairing: None really.

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Suikoden IV 

Confessions To Darkness

The room was dark, so dark that even the single lamp above in the split room gave no comfort to the occupant. Merely aggravating the hasty shadows that wished no more but to engulf the room in a permanent state of pitch-blackness. Sigurd blinked confused when he shut the door. Wavering on the lines of leaving and staying. The room was silent, and for once, there was no other person on the other side of the booth. Which was understandable, given the time that it currently was.

"Hah…this is so stupid. But…"

Sigurd brushed a few bangs out of his face and furrowed his brow in memory. Hervey had told him there was a new room where the man, Keen, held a confession booth. It was also rather clear that many people had gone to it without realizing it. And felt ten times better than before after confessing things that fate had not allowed in their past, present, or future to come. "That's why I came…" Sigurd murmured quietly, "if I don't say anything the guilt will follow me forever. Sooner or later it will get the best of me."

Dark brown eyes swung from the curtain to the right side, then to the comfortable creaky chair to the left of him. He had come before to this room, but had left at the very last moment of initiating the confessing process and never noticed the chair. In fact, he was absolutely sure the chair **wasn't** supposed to be there at all. Heaving a sigh, the pirate moved from the secluded corner of the door and hesitantly walked to the chair. Eyeing it with a sullen expression.

'_This is it. Once I sit down, I'm going to confess for all my sins…I'm not going to run away from them. No one is here…like last time. Thankfully…_' He admitted as an after thought. How embarrassing it had felt when someone was hearing the confession! There was a rumor going around that whenever the confession booth was in process, Hero was never around. Some said it was Keen and him that was listening and debating whether one was worthy of forgiveness or not.

That was not he kind of confessing Sigurd had originally thought it was to be. Nor was it the kind of confessing he wanted. "Okay…" A soft inhale and exhale later the tall youth summed up the courage to sit down, hunching forward immediately as he thought in secret. Occasionally his gaze wavered at the flicker of a light or shadow. The smallest sound would alert and snap his previous thoughts. "Heh…I don't even know where I should start confessing on my part."

Once again, another noise was heard. But having heard so many at night, Sigurd figured that it was just another mouse or possible footsteps leading down the hall. His hands came together in a loose grip. Resting on top of his long choice of dress wear. The eyelids lost their sense of strength needed to keep afloat and succumbed little by little. Drooping down halfway while the pirate went into deep thought. His mind bringing flashbacks of things he had wished never occurred. But for some reason, had.

"I guess…I came to this room to confess to myself." Sigurd began and lifted his head up, leaning back in his seat. Watching the ceiling and flickers of yellow illuminations gradually eaten away by the slowly accumulating shadows. "What I've done. What I wish I could do…and what I may never do. It's kind of silly…talking to myself. But it's better than someone listening to me. I might actually regret it…you know?"

Sigurd's posture relaxed little by little. The illuminations from the single light strangely growing stronger and fighting against the right to exist. Opposing against the shadows that wanted nothing but eternal black. "I want to confess so much…everything that I've done. But I suppose…that would be more boring listening than speaking it." He grinned for a bare moment before reverting back to a sad smile. The youthful features failing him, making him seem twelve years older than he really was.

"I guess the main things I want to atone for…well…I want to atone for my employer in Middleport. And what I did. I know I can't be forgiven for that. It was entirely my fault and I've become a wanted man because of it. My head is already up for an insane amount of money. If I could…and had no regrets I would gladly hand it over without question. But the idea of dying because of it…doesn't exactly fill me with a sense of joy. It's…scary how people can easily turn the blame to someone and demand a life. I suppose I don't deserve it…

Yeah… I don't deserve it. I've caused misfortune to so many and sinned so much atonement it's the least I could ask for. I came here in hopes of possibly telling Keen why I did it…why I…betrayed him. I had a good reason. But I suppose that's no excuse…its all I ever seem to do. Hope that I can get by in life by lying and making up stories."

Sigurd's form bent forward as he raised a hand to his face, running it along the eyes as memories stabbed at him. Another sigh escaped him, long and sorrowful. No longer was the wanted man smiling. The smile was forgotten on his face, adding to graveness of confessing such an important topic. With a tone much bitter and heavyhearted he continued. The light and dark battling each other out for a strange sense of dominance.

"But I don't anymore. I cant. I couldn't even if I wanted to. I've changed, for the better I'm sure. No longer am I the man that I once was. Using such aggressive and recklessness that injured and caused ordeals. It's a distant memory…but it's so close. I guess I would like to apologize to Lady Kika… I…" Sigurd choked on his words. Grinding to a sudden halt on his confessing. The idea of saying what he really wanted to, without anyone's ears to exploit and retell was reassuring. But it was strange…

It felt like he couldn't even trust himself to speak of words that were true enough. Like his own tongue would taint them and twist them to something that was not intended to be spoken. Taking a few breaths the black haired pirate attempted once more.

"Lady Kika…words could not describe how much I owe you for saving my life. At the time you were like an angel from the ocean itself, bathed in a wondrous light. Though it was clear that you were a pirate. It didn't change the way you looked in my eyes. Offering nothing in return I…I couldn't let you just walk away from doing such a deed. I jumped at the idea of joining you. I guess it was stupid and ridiculous at the time…

I can't say I've done any better as a pirate. I can't even protect you on a ship such as the Dauntless. Theirs tons of people much more capable of escorting you and watching your back. I suppose all I ever wanted to do since I met you was to atone. And serving you as a crewmember with such a good friend as Hervey made it worthwhile. But now…confessing all this. I think I made a mistake. I've endangered lives…and yours could be next.

That debt cannot be repaid. And after this war with Kooluk I intend to continue to serve you. There's no way in my mind for me to correct my ways. Nor can I run from it …as long as I can still move. I intend to protect you. Even if it eventually leads me to my death. Then so be it…" Sigurd licked his lips, the faint sting in his eyes dimming to a dull throb. After letting out the confessions he did feel better. But it hurt like any wound. And like a injury it would take time to heal.

"That's…my confession. I hope…one day I'll be forgiven. Whether it be living or death." He rose from his chair. Biting his bottom lip as his vision blurred through a mixture of salty tears and a brief loss of vision. He stood still for a moment, wishing to do no more than to retreat to his quarters and sleep away the thoughts. And as he grasped the handle of the door and opened it. The door on the opposite side mirrored his action. A being stepping into the room as quiet as death just as the being filled with a sense of sorrow and justified contempt exited.

The doors shut at identical times. One oblivious, and the other knowing.

Boots traveled along the floor, crossing to a switch. A white-gloved hand raised up to the switch, pressing it down with a feather touch. The result was the opening of the ceiling middle where a fury of sparkles, glitter, and rainbow cut paper bits fell like snow. Gradually hitting the ground through its bitter ending display of emotions. Most resembling blue and white in color.

The captain of the Grishend and mistress of Pirates Nest stood silently. Watching the paper bits seeped into the cracks in the wooden floorboard of the ships room. Her eyes softened as the words replayed back to her. In all honesty she hadn't meant to eavesdrop, hell she never knew such a room existed! But upon hearing Sigurd she felt a need to listen. Felt driven to it… and was not disappointed with what she heard.

A thin, bittersweet smile overcame her face. Her eyes showed more emotion that her words never did. Moving her hand from the switch she let it rest back on the edge of her hip. Murmuring a few choice words. Knowing no one would hear them. Nor would anyone need to.

"You're forgiven Sigurd of the Grishend"

Heels clicking against the floor she exited the room. And retired to her quarters. The overheard confession never leaving her in the years of voyages and adventures to come.

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A/N: Done in like…two hours. Just something I thought Sigurd needed. Poor guy –hugs him- Him and Helmut are men in need of LOVING! I would also like to know the relation of Kika and Brandeau. ….Were they acquaintances…lovers or something else? (err… XD) 


End file.
